Dating Advice for the Newly Single

Life has dealt you a blow - one that seems as if you might not recover from it anytime soon. Your heart is still bleeding from the break up and depending on how long you dated or were married, the harder it may be to pick up the pieces and start over. But you have to pick yourself by your bootstraps and get back to living.

We’ve all had times that have tried our souls and this is no different. When we’ve been hurt by someone else, we tend to take too much to heart the things they said and did. While some of it may have been true, much of it is simply the hurling of angry words – and even if it’s true, it’s changeable.

So with time and by getting involved with others, you can heal from the hurt. Dating can help in at least two ways. Either it will help you get your ex back if that’s what you want, or it will help you get over the pain of the break up and put you in touch with “other possibilities.”

In either case, dating new people and resisting the temptation to retreat into a corner and lick your wounds is essential. I’m going to supply some solid advice to help you to approach dating after your recent break up in order to avoid pity traps or rebound romances.

It will help you figure out what it is you’re looking for in your partner and the best ways to prepare your heart again for a fulfilling, balanced, and loving relationship.

Before we dig into the tips and advice for what to look for when preparing for and choosing future dates, it’s important to take a look at your heart and your purpose for dating.

It’s true that getting involved in the social scene is vital to your emotional and mental well-being. But beware of rebound dating - where you’re tempted to throw yourself into the arms of the next cutie that happens to look your way.

Getting back into the dating scene as soon as possible is important, but not if you’re just going to throw yourself into a spiteful romance where you “use” the other person while you lick your wounds.

Avoid jumping into bed with a string of willing partners because it can undermine your long term mental health - not to mention ruin your chances of having a lasting solid relationship in the future. This form of rebound dating can be most damaging to all parties involved.

So examine why you really want to date right now – make sure you’re in a healthy state of mind. It can make the difference between a good start and a bad one. Sure, you feel lonely because of the loss in your life and have a void to fill, but think hard about why you want to get involved with another man or woman.

You’re most vulnerable after a break up and are apt to make rash decisions based on emotions, which can lead right into another foolish relationship. So ask yourself if there is any chance that you will reconcile with your ex.

Do you even want to? If it’s possible, then this time of dating is more for staying involved socially, letting both of you have some time apart to think things over. Dating can be a help to you in ways that might not make sense right now.

It can take your mind off of your ex for a time and can actually be the best thing for both of you. Then if they happen to see you happily engaging with someone else, they may “see what they were missing” and attempt to reestablish connections.

On the other hand, if you’ve determined that you need to leave that old relationship behind, dating will expand your horizons and prepare you for other better relationships in the future.

A healthy approach to dating is like a smorgasbord. Tasting new relationships is a normal, healthy way to approach meeting your future mate. You test the waters with those of the opposite sex through casual meetings in the form or drinks, dancing, dinner out, movies, walks in the park, etc. There are no commitments – just have a good time getting to know a new person with no expectations beyond that – yet.

While sexual intimacy may be the driving force behind dating for some, be honest and don’t make this your #1 goal. Just because he or she is a hotty on the outside, it doesn’t mean there’s much in common where it really counts. You need to resist the urge to rush into the sack for some quick casual sex.

We all need that part of a relationship, but it will mean so much more if you two really have more in common than over-stimulated hormones. Solid, lasting relationships rarely begin with casual sex on the first date. So think long and hard about jumping right into bed. There will be time enough for sharing intimacy if it is right for you.

One thing must be said about that bad taste in your mouth left over from your recent relationship break up and that is - don’t transfer your anger or bitterness over to any future relationships.

So what if your ex slammed you by leaving you for your best friend. Sometimes, life stinks and you just have to roll with it. Don’t carry over that grudge into the next relationship.

Each person needs to be given the respect for being who they are as individuals, so don’t expect every guy to be a creep or every girl to be the type who is going to ignore a nice guy like you for a bad boy.

Treat each person as you would like to be treated. Seriously, all men aren’t cheaters - so don’t punish your date for whatever your ex did. And, guys, not all women are clingy, jealous, and high-maintenance, so give your date a chance to be who she is.

You need to do yourself and your future dates a favor and “flush” your bad dating and relationship experiences. Start each relationship anew. That may be hard - especially if you keep attracting the same kind of girl or guy repeatedly.

And let’s talk about the possibility. Do you find yourself attracted to men (or women as the case may be) that all seem to have similar character traits? Are the guys all dependent, mama’s boys looking for a strong dominate female and you’re sick of this kind?

Are the girls all whiney, insecure types that won’t leave you to yourself on occasion? What is it that attracts you to a guy or girl in the first place? It’s something to think about before you launch into a new relationship.

Take some time to figure out what it is that you look for in a partner, because you just may be setting yourself up again for a sour relationship.

Knowing when to get involved with others while picking yourself up from a bad break up is probably one of the hardest things to do. But once those initial tears are drying up, it’s time to make yourself get on with life.

This may come easier from some than others, depending on how long you were involved in the old relationship and how serious it was. Take an initial time out for reassessing your life.

It’s important to take some time out after the break up and evaluate things a bit and not dash head long after the first sympathetic soul who will listen to your heart cries. Some experts say a month is enough time off from dating. You might need more or less time.

Just know that you need to have this time to think, to calm down and collect yourself. It’s really a good time to get with a close friend – a confidante – and have them as your listening ear. This person should be willing to listen to you from the time that you broke up, through the tears and anger.

More than that - they need to be willing to push you out when you need it or put on the brakes when you start to head down the same bad route with your new love interests. They will see this better than you.

But once you’ve had your time off from socializing, it’s time to jump back into the dating game. The important thing is to try to take your mind off of your recent pain and push forward gradually.

Do it gradually because you don’t need to wear yourself out dating, either. Set a goal of 1–2 nights a week at first and then see how it goes from there. Going out every night will exhaust you and make you wish you were in a relationship again – and you might latch onto someone just for that reason alone.

I'll be adding more Hub pages here on this subject to help you get back in the dating game again!

Elena Petrova